Who Am I?
I can’t remember when it dawned on me, or how it did. I also can’t remember what caused it , but one day a few years back, during introspection I realized that I must discover ME.
Now I know you’re wondering, was I acting all those years?
Well the answer to that is, I was definitely not fake, but that does not mean I was myself.
So many things influence us whether we acknowledge them or not. There are also some things that we have no idea they influence us because they seem ‘normal’. And now I am not referring to just people, but I am also referring to experiences, culture and beliefs.
What I realized during the ‘awakening’ was that throughout those years, I had been acting as experiences had taught me to behave, as well as according society/peer expectations. It’s really hard to put it in words, but I am going to do my very best to explain.
Alot of things happened when I was younger that influenced me as I grew older. They led me to good situations, but also led me to bad situations. Some of them made more introverted than extroverted, and ideally affected my view of the world.
Back then, I had opinions, but they were not mine. I had not thought them out, rather they were planted. Those who did the planting, purposely or unknowingly, ranged from family to friends. I did things out of fear of not wanting to hurt or displease people. I also did things because I cared about what people would think of me, because I needed their approval or praise. Basically, I did things putting people more into consideration that I did myself.
I can’t exactly say when all this started to change, but I am sure some situations led and have continued to lead to the ongoing change. Now I am an entirely different person. The change is so baffling that I no longer recognize myself.
I have become effortlessly introspective. I ask myself my intentions before doing things. Why am I doing what I am doing? Must I do it, is it really necessary?
Knowing oneself is a beautiful yet complicated process. Once you set out on that journey and you’re determined, the universe throws people and events your way so you can achieve it. Some of these may not necessarily be pleasant, but they definitely show you different sides of yourself that you never knew existed. It’s not an easy process, and sometimes the journey can be lonely.
I understand now that what may be good or feel that way to someone may not necessarily be the same for me. I understand now that I do not have to do /say things to seem interesting so people can be drawn to me. Right now, I do not give a fish if people find me boring because I do not act or react a certain way. I also understand now that while many may like/do a particular thing, I should not feel obliged to follow suit neither should I feel a sense of being left out. This is the hardest part, but the less you do things because people want or expect you to do them, the more you become an individual and take charge of your thoughts and actions.
I believe the most important thing is knowing yourself despite what your religion or society dictates, and despite how people believe you ought to be.
That does not mean I have not been slipping up along the way though. Sometimes my ‘Yes’ is not really a yes. Sometimes I try to balance between pleasing someone and looking at the bright side of things, even when I really do not want to do what they require of me. For instance a friend needs an escort to an occasion on a day I would rather be cosied up in bed. you know.., those kind of situations (There is such a thin line between people pleasing and being considerate, don’t you think?)
So who am I? Well, I am one step closer to fully answering that question today than I was yesterday.
And you know the beautiful thing? Everyday presents an answer 🙂