I watched the sun set today.
Actually it has become a habit of late. Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I just step over to the window and watch the clouds drift overhead, and the sun play peek-a-boo behind the clouds time and again. Then I breathe, hold my breath for a while, then release…
It’s my way of staying in tune with nature. To remind myself that I am only human, and I am just a creature, like a bird soaring aimlessly till it finds a place it wants to land. It’s a way of reminding myself that I cannot always control the outcome of a situation, but some effort counts in steering the result in the right direction.
I have also grown to love birds, although I am not a fan of them pooping on innocent pedestrians. They are so free, nothing holding them back, as if they have all the time in the world. When it doesn’t rain, a couple of them do this thing where it seems they are fly-dancing in the air. Up close you’d see their flight as chaotic, but from afar there’s a sort of pattern to it. Its beautiful to watch, and relaxing.
Sometimes I wonder if I am enjoying little things such as these because I haven’t fully joined the adult bandwagon, and it scares me. Would I still be able to admire how beautiful the clouds are when I go to work in the morning? Or how scanty the stars are on my way back home? Would I still be able to feel the breeze because my head is filled with one thing or the other?
I am grown, still growing. The responsibility of my age knocks on my cranium every morning when I get up from bed. But a part of me refuses to join the ‘rat race’. I can only go one step at a time, I cannot run. I have to enjoy every moment as it comes. Live it.
My peers are making money, getting jobs, getting married, having babies. A part of me almost compares myself to them before the other part jerks me to remind me that their journey is not my journey for we travel different paths. Then I feel better again.
I cannot allow myself to feel the pressure that some of my peers have allowed themselves to feel. Because they do not want to remain unemployed, they go for any job. Because they do not want to remain single, they say ‘Yes’ to next guy that asks for their hand in marriage. They go into anything to fill their pockets with money..
Stop. Just Stop.
One step at a time. I cannot afford to lose myself just because I want to attain some goal. If there’s anything I have learned in my 22years, it’s that nothing is worth it if you have to strip some of your humanity or your values just to get it. So what if it doesn’t last? Or what if it gets taken away from you? Worse – what now happens when your sense of accomplishment becomes dull over time(typical human nature), and then you start to remember all you did to get something you’re becoming weary of?
One step at a time. I’ll get there…
I KNOW I will.