The Disillusioned

disillusionment Nothing impresses me easily anymore. I have experienced this shift in personality that I find hard to describe. I know not when this shift occurred, or how it did, but I can feel it. I constantly find myself withdrawing to the recesses of mind, and thinking over and over that I don’t belong here. Here not necessarily being where I am at that point in time, or with who I am with, but rather this world. I feel lost; misplaced. I find my peers doing some things that I can’t comprehend the pleasure they derive from them. When I partake in such acts, I do so because I try to feel a sense of belonging, or feel pleasure. The pleasure may come, but it never lasts.

Money to me seems like paper. I see it as a means to an end, and not the ends itself. A means to what? Definitely not to having expensive things, but something more. What then?I ask myself. The expression of happiness has become an exercise for me. I feign excitement. I can’t remember the last time I was truly excited. I dare not equate joy with happiness, for I feel joy when I have my loved ones around, but I know I am not happy because sometimes I want them gone so I can have time for myself. So that I can crawl back into my cave of thoughts.

I find myself wandering, when did I become this way? I know I am tired of alot of things. Things that I, unfortunately, do not have the power to change. I am tired of the depressing news, the ever increasing death tolls, the redundant and IQ-depreciating entertainment mediums,  the society’s individuals turning to sheep. I am tired of people who hate you yet pretend they love you. I am tired of redundancy. I see everyone doing the same thing, and trying to climb up the success ladder in the same way. I can’t describe what I feel, but I know it is not depression. I am like a sponge, absorbing the negativity around me.  I don’t see myself better than anybody, but I think I am well off, free in the mind. All I see around me are people walking in cages set by society standards no one knows how they came about, and very few care if they hold merit. As long as it pleases, people follow.

I watch as people go by, pretending to fit into a lifestyle that they can’t afford, and they do not belong. Very few believe in living simple anymore; many trying to have what they don’t need. Very few people believe in what is right anymore, many have become pleasure seekers. Doing what is right has become synonymous to publicly defecating in one’s pants, unless of course, it brings some sort of public recognition. These days, people live according to public opinion. In essence, Luxury and hedonism have become the new moral codes.

So this is my life. Few things stir me these days. One of them, is intellect. People who are deep, whose thoughts go beyond places we have never even thought to venture. People who see things from multiple perspectives. People who don’t do things because everybody is doing them. People with positive influence. They are not necessarily charismatic, or attractive, but when they open their mouths to express their thoughts, their words warm your soul. Nature also stirs me these days because no matter how things change, the sun will always set in the west, and you always know what you plant is what you never disappoints; very unlike humans and endeavors. Helping people also stirs me as It makes me feel ethereal; inhuman.

In essence, Reality has become my illusion. You may call me a maverick, or whatever word your dictionary has defined some of my characteristics…, but I am simply indefinable. I am simply, ME, just seeing reality for what it is – a farce.

“Gatsby’s party had a sort of bareness to it, as if something were missing. Gatsby has the idea that he can just buy anything, and as shown through this party, like he can buy friendship and respect. He throws these elaborate and enormous parties to get recognized, yet you hardly ever find his presence. His parties don’t hold a very ‘cozy’ feeling, yet it is filled with people who were not even invited, and don’t know each other. It’s as if it doesn’t hold a purpose…”
-Fitzgerald’s disillusionment with society as seen in the novel, The Great Gatsby.

photo obtained from:
Quote : Fitzgerald’s disillusionment with society as seen in the novel, The Great Gatsby, concentrating on Daisy, Tom, and Jordan and also analyze the emptiness of Gatsby’s party..” Jan 12, 2013


4 thoughts on “The Disillusioned

  1. This post describes my mood absolutely and I’m inspired by it. You are right; money is a means to an end. I second Huntly, best post so far.

    Mimie, you know you belong to a celestial world. Being a heaven’s baby means you knew yourself long ago just as the great philosopher (was it Socrates) had upheld, Man know thy self.

    I see wisdom in every word of this post. How I wish I am gifted to write like you, Mimie. I am so envious.

    More comments in-boxed.

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