Those growing-up fears…

Just listening to Crishan’s “Just get it over with” reminds me of deceit,betrayal and lies all masked up as ‘love’ (iPuke -_-) in a lot of relationships. I’m not going to delve into that in this post…Probably in another.

I’ll be graduating soon, December to be precise, and I’ve been thinking a lot about life after school. To be honest, I cant wait to graduate. Ive always felt school has been this surreal place that has kept me from the real world, and with some bunch of people who think they know what life is. Or rather, some who think they are adults, but are really just immature cos’ they’ve really not seen nothing yet. Again, I am not going to go into this either..

Like I said earlier, I can’t WAIT to graduate. At the same time, I don’t think I’m quite ready for the real life just yet. Can you ever really be prepared for what life may throw at you the next minute? Don’t think so.. Sometimes I think I’m prepared for what ever. That kind of what’s-the-worst-that-can-happen kind of attitude. And just when you think you’ve seen all kinds of crazy, Life throws you something far crazier and you’re like “Seriously Life? Seriously..?!”

Anyways, my thinking has triggered some fears. It has also made me conjure ‘what if?’ questions. I’ve been thinking, what if after my four stressful years in school of metaphorically burning candles, I graduate and there’s no decent job out there. I don’t want to end up like some youths who, after school, have no job and have to heavily depend on their parents for some source of income or worse- end up as thieves, looters or follow ‘sugar daddies’ for some change. As for the latter, I’m not that kind of person, but I really hope things don’t turn so sour that I end up frustrated anyhow. Also,what if I actually get the job i want, but it doesn’t turn out as i expected. Honestly, I don’t even think I want to work for someone, but to be a Master you’ve got to learn to serve right???*sigh*

Also, the concept of marriage, as intriguing and beautiful as it seems, scares the shit out of me. Sometimes I wonder what if I marry a mistake?  Firstly, is the ‘change’ matter. You marry someone who is sweet and kind. Who you think, and actually see yourself spending the rest of your life with. And years into the marriage, the person starts to pick up some habits that, if he/she had had them before, you wouldn’t have married them in the first place. They just change- they no longer look at you or treat you the same way. Infact, you both become bedmates instead of a couple. Secondly, the ‘cheat’ matter. I don’t know how millions of women who are constantly being cheated on by their husbands are coping. To top it off, some have to stay in their marriage because of their kids. I don’t think I’ll be able to cope, kids or not. It’s even worse, when you know there’s nothing wrong you’re doing that will cause him to cheat. You’re a doting partner, always there for him and very loyal..yet its just not enough for him. I know you are also wondering why I am focusing on ‘husbands’ who cheat. Yes I KNOW there are some wives who cheat out there as well, but a large population of the male sex cheat because they are ‘men’, like they feel they have to and it’s okay to. Imagine the putrid excuse! I don’t know about other parts of the world, but where I’m from, lots of husbands cheat on their wives like the way dawn comes after dusk, and the wives are expected to cope with it and take it as it is. Like they’re robots who have to pretend that it doesn’t hurt, even though they feel insignificant. That it is ‘normal’. The f&%#?!  So help me God, I’d rather stay single if that’s the case… Thirdly, I’m scared of getting bored, or tired..for no reason. It happens you know. You see a once couple who over the years, have become sullen with each other, and you wonder what went wrong. They’re really just tired of seeing each other, and tolerating each others hiccups. I fear that sense of attraction may be lost after I’ve been with my husband for a long time. I hope not..I pray not.

These are some of my fears. Or rather, the most pressing for now. I am sure you are wondering why I focused on getting a good job and marriage. With regards to getting a good job, I believe an idle mind or idle hands breeds the most desolate of people. I also believe having  a good partner is really important, because no matter how things go bad, they’ll always be there. Also if things change, they remain the same, or if they also change, they change for the better. I know you also think  I’m focusing too much on the future. Actually I’m not, but sometimes when I remember I am not getting any younger,the thoughts come flooding my head. I guess I am just going to do what I have to do to have a peace of mind like a quote I saw some place said:

“If you want to be sad, focus on the past
If you want to be anxious, focus on the future
If you want peace, focus on NOW”

I’ll try to focus on now. Really try.., even though it’s easier said than done for me. I guess I am too much of a thinker. I just hope I make the best decisions ‘now’ that lead to a series of good tomorrows.

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One thought on “Those growing-up fears…

  1. I am not sure whether commenting on this is dangerous in view of our background and the opening paragraph of this post. However, as a friend, I think my comment might add to calm your tense nerves; sure you need strength, now much more than at anytime inyour academic life.

    Your post truly makes me nostalgic. It makes me feel heavy at heart because I was once there, ofcourse you know this.

    I write this because I’ve been so touched of late by some of your posts and tweets. I just went extra mile to read the lyrics of Crishan’s “Just get it over with” and I must tell you that I know and feel your pains. But such is life though.

    I have come to learn something which I would want you to take in your heart: Each circumstance, no matter what, is always an opportunity to learn, and one need to be grateful for it. That singular attitude draws one closer to that thing that we are all constantly in search of which you you referred to in your last post (LOST). That you said will make us feel whole when found. It is God, it is LOVE (unconditional) because God is LOVE. And it might take even more than a life time to find. I can go on and on but I have to stop here.

    Best

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